April 05, 2026
Sitting in the same church pews that I’ve sat in for years hits a bit different these days.
Those pews have been there through childhood, graduations, marriage, loss, and the birth of our children. When I moved away, those pews were always there waiting for me. It has always felt like home.
But now? Now I feel I’m going through the motions of worship. One of my favorite Christian songs quotes, “He is so good to me”. I remember singing this so passionately not long ago. Now I sit in these pews holding my sweet baby boy with a feeding tube taped across his face and a scar on his precious head reminding us of his emergency brain surgery while I watch the timer to start his next feed. I question. I doubt. I’m angry.
If He is “so good to me”, why are we one of the thousands of families that frequently pass through the doors of a children’s hospital? Why were both of our children forced to be stronger than most adults within their first days of life? Why was our story written with seemingly so many valleys?
Although I’ve threatened to break up with Him quite frequently lately, I just can’t. Without a God, who is responsible for all of the good in life? How will I ever get another hug from my dad? How will we ever wade through this valley of darkness into the promised days of light? How will I continue to believe in miracles?
The beautiful thing about Christianity is that God doesn’t require us to be perfect. He knows I’m angry. He knows I doubt. He knows I’ve questioned. But guess what? He still loves me.
I can’t even fathom that kind of love.
So this Easter season, we were in those pews with my blessing of a family – both blood and church – going through the motions with the prayer to feel again. Because I know that one day, my anger will heal and I’ll be ready to sing passionately again. Until then, I’ll be grateful that God loves the raw and honest version of me. Grateful that this relationship is able to stretch without snapping. And grateful that He filled the pews with people who love and encourage me through each valley.
Grateful that He is Risen and that the tomb was empty. Grateful that He is my God, capable to miracles, forgiveness, and oh so much good.
